Being outgoing is often portrayed as an innate quality, a natural trait some people are simply born with. However, the truth is more nuanced. Social skills, including the ability to confidently engage with others, can be learned, nurtured, and developed over time. Whether you find yourself wishing you could speak up more at work, make friends more easily, or simply feel more at ease in social settings, becoming more outgoing is within your reach. But how can you make this transformation happen? In this guide, we’ll draw on scientific research, sociological insights, and real-world experience to provide practical advice for becoming more outgoing, alongside some warnings and tips to avoid common pitfalls.
What Does It Mean to Be Outgoing?
First things first, let’s clarify what being outgoing means. Often, it’s associated with being extroverted—someone who is talkative, sociable, and energized by interacting with others. However, being outgoing doesn’t mean you have to become the life of the party or the loudest voice in the room. It’s about being comfortable engaging with others, initiating conversation, and participating in social interactions without feeling overwhelmed or anxious.
There’s a difference between extroversion, which is a personality trait, and outgoingness, which is a social skill. A person who is introverted can still learn to be outgoing, just as someone naturally extroverted might still have moments of social anxiety.
The Psychology of Being Outgoing
To understand how to be more outgoing, it’s helpful to know what influences our social behavior. Research on personality and social interaction suggests that several factors play a role in whether a person feels comfortable engaging socially.
- Personality Traits: Extroversion is one of the Big Five personality traits, and people who score high on this trait tend to feel more comfortable and energized by social interactions. However, even those who score lower in extroversion can still learn the behaviors associated with being outgoing.
- Social Anxiety: A major barrier to being outgoing for many people is social anxiety. According to a study by the American Psychiatric Association, approximately 12% of people experience social anxiety disorder at some point in their lives. Social anxiety often stems from fear of judgment or embarrassment, which can prevent people from engaging with others. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) has proven effective in treating this type of anxiety, helping individuals reframe negative thoughts and gradually become more comfortable in social situations.
- Self-Esteem and Confidence: How we view ourselves affects how we interact with others. People with higher self-esteem are more likely to approach others confidently, while those with lower self-esteem might hesitate or avoid social situations altogether. Research published in Psychological Science indicates that boosting self-confidence through small social successes can gradually increase outgoing behavior.
- Cultural and Societal Influences: Social norms and cultural expectations also shape how outgoing people are. For instance, in more individualistic cultures (such as the U.S. or Western Europe), being outgoing is often seen as a positive trait. In contrast, more collectivist societies (like Japan or Korea) might place a higher value on humility and reserve, which can make it more difficult to act “outgoing” without feeling awkward.
Steps to Becoming More Outgoing
Now that we understand the psychology behind social behavior, let’s look at practical steps to becoming more outgoing. Keep in mind that these steps are gradual—becoming more comfortable in social settings takes time and consistent effort. Be patient with yourself, and don’t expect instant change.
- Start Small: Don’t feel you have to immediately jump into large social gatherings or make bold statements in front of crowds. Start by engaging with people in low-pressure situations. A simple smile, greeting, or comment to a colleague or stranger can be a great first step. According to Psychology Today, even small acts of social engagement can significantly reduce anxiety and increase confidence over time.
- Practice Active Listening: One key to being outgoing is making others feel heard and valued. Active listening, which involves focusing fully on the speaker, asking thoughtful questions, and showing genuine interest, helps build rapport and makes conversations flow naturally. You don’t have to be the most talkative person in the room if you’re truly listening and engaging with others.
- Expose Yourself to Social Situations: Avoiding social situations reinforces the idea that they are threatening. The more you put yourself in social settings—whether it’s joining a club, going to a networking event, or simply attending social gatherings—the more comfortable you’ll become. Gradual exposure reduces anxiety, much like desensitizing someone to a phobia.
- Focus on Others, Not Yourself: One reason people hesitate to be outgoing is because they fear being judged. A useful trick is to shift your focus away from yourself and onto others. This helps reduce self-consciousness and creates space for meaningful connections. Research from the University of California, Berkeley suggests that when we focus on helping or engaging with others, we often feel more connected and fulfilled.
- Use Positive Body Language: Non-verbal communication plays a huge role in how outgoing we appear to others. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that open, confident body language—such as maintaining eye contact, standing tall, and offering a firm handshake—can help you project confidence and appear more approachable.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Being outgoing doesn’t mean you have to become a social butterfly overnight. Celebrate the small victories along the way. Whether it’s striking up a conversation with a stranger, offering a compliment, or attending a social event, each step forward is progress. These incremental successes will build your confidence and reinforce the habit of engaging socially.
The Potential Pitfalls of Being Outgoing
As with any change in behavior, there are some potential drawbacks to becoming more outgoing that you should be aware of.
- Overextending Yourself: It’s easy to become overly eager to be more social, but overcommitting to social events can lead to burnout. Learn to balance social time with self-care and alone time to prevent exhaustion. You’re not a failure if you choose to skip an event for the sake of rest.
- Forcing It: Sometimes, people can push themselves to act outgoing in ways that feel unnatural, trying too hard to fit a mold that doesn’t suit them. Being authentic is key. If being outgoing feels exhausting or contrived, it’s okay to take a step back and reconsider your approach.
- Fear of Rejection: Like any skill, socializing comes with the risk of rejection. But rejection is a normal part of life, and it’s not a reflection of your worth. Embrace the idea that not everyone will be receptive to your efforts, and that’s okay. Keep practicing.
Real-Life Experiences
- Maria, 34, Spain: “I’ve always been a bit shy, but I knew I had to get out of my shell if I wanted to progress in my career. I started by speaking up in meetings, then I joined a local book club. It wasn’t easy at first, but I found that just taking small steps and being patient with myself helped me become more outgoing.”
- David, 47, UK: “At first, I thought I was too old to change my personality. But after going through a tough period of isolation, I decided to push myself. I started going to social events with friends, and gradually, I felt more comfortable making small talk. Now, I enjoy engaging with new people whenever I can.”
- Chen, 28, China: “I used to worry a lot about what people thought of me. But I learned to focus on the conversation rather than on myself. It’s been a game-changer. I feel more confident at work and in my personal life.”
- Laura, 63, USA: “As an introvert, I’ve had to work hard to be more outgoing, especially as I’ve gotten older. I started volunteering at my local community center, and surprisingly, I’ve met so many wonderful people. It’s been incredibly rewarding!”
Conclusion
Becoming more outgoing is a journey, not a destination. It’s about practicing new behaviors, overcoming fears, and finding your authentic voice in social settings. Remember, there’s no “one-size-fits-all” approach—what works for one person may not work for another, and that’s okay. But with time, effort, and patience, you can cultivate a more outgoing attitude that feels natural and fulfilling.
So, take a deep breath, make that first step, and remember—every great social interaction starts with a simple “hello.”
