To become more assertive, the first step is understanding what assertiveness truly means: expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open, honest, and respectful way, without being aggressive or submissive. It’s important to differentiate assertiveness from other behaviors like passivity (avoiding expressing yourself) and aggressiveness (dominating others). Research highlights the positive impacts of assertiveness, such as higher self-esteem, better communication, and healthier relationships. But here’s the kicker—assertiveness is a skill that can be learned, practiced, and refined.
The key to becoming more assertive is gaining confidence in yourself. Start by understanding your rights, particularly the right to express your opinions and make mistakes. As the science of behavior change suggests, start small: practice saying “no” in low-stakes situations, and gradually increase the complexity of your requests or boundaries. One of the most common pitfalls people face is overthinking their responses or worrying too much about others’ reactions. This fear often stems from past negative experiences or a deep-rooted fear of rejection, but addressing these issues head-on in therapy or through self-help books can be a game-changer.
A critical aspect is non-verbal communication. Your body language speaks volumes. Standing tall, maintaining eye contact, and using a calm and steady tone can reinforce your assertive words. This is where many struggle because they either don’t recognize the importance of body language or are unsure how to align it with their message.
Here’s an interesting tidbit: studies show that women often face greater barriers to assertiveness due to social conditioning—society teaches them to be polite and accommodating, sometimes at the cost of their own needs. Men, on the other hand, may struggle with showing vulnerability. It’s vital for both genders to practice assertiveness in ways that are aligned with their personality and values, instead of trying to meet societal expectations.
Lastly, assertiveness doesn’t guarantee that everyone will always agree with you or give you what you want—but that’s okay! Being assertive is about honoring your needs and learning to handle rejection or disagreement gracefully. If this is a major concern for you, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help challenge limiting beliefs and encourage more constructive thought patterns.
Here are some perspectives on assertiveness from different people:
- Maria, 56, Spain: “At first, I struggled with saying ‘no’—I felt guilty. But over time, I realized that being clear about my boundaries made my relationships better. It’s not about being rude, it’s about respecting myself.”
- John, 43, USA: “I used to be passive, letting people walk all over me. Now, I find that being assertive has made me more confident in my career. It’s tough at first, but the rewards are worth it.”
- Keisha, 29, South Africa: “In my culture, we’re taught to be humble and avoid confrontation. I’ve learned that being assertive doesn’t mean being disrespectful—it’s just about expressing my truth.”
- Tariq, 34, Pakistan: “Assertiveness was tough in a society where men are expected to be strong and dominant. But once I embraced it, I noticed how much it improved my personal and professional life.”
- Emily, 51, UK: “I’ve always been a ‘pleaser’—afraid of conflict. Learning assertiveness as an older adult has been liberating. It’s changed how I manage work and family life.”
Everyone’s journey to assertiveness is different, but it’s worth the effort to delve into this important skill—it truly pays off in healthier, more fulfilling interactions and self-empowerment.
