Making friends is one of the oldest and most rewarding human experiences. It’s fundamental to our well-being, whether we’re navigating the playground of childhood, the hustle of adulthood, or the quieter phases of older age. But as simple as it sounds, making and maintaining friendships is something that can pose challenges at any stage of life.
We often hear people say, “making friends gets harder as you get older,” and while there’s some truth to that, it’s not the whole story. There are plenty of reasons why friendships become more challenging, but equally, there are strategies that can make the process easier. In this guide, I’ll walk you through not only the scientific research and sociological findings on friendship but also practical advice rooted in years of lived experience. And yes, I’ll point out a few things that might trip you up—because no one benefits from a sugar-coated view of reality.
Why Is Making Friends Important?
Let’s start by underscoring the importance of friendships. According to numerous studies, including those by the American Psychological Association and data from the National Institutes of Health, having strong friendships contributes to a longer life, better mental health, and a greater sense of purpose. Friendships are a cornerstone of emotional support, stress reduction, and happiness. They play a role in boosting your immune system, reducing the risk of depression, and even improving cardiovascular health.
Friendships provide a safety net—both emotionally and physically. Yet, it’s surprising how many people feel lonely, even in crowded social settings. According to research by the AARP, nearly 1 in 3 adults aged 45 and older report feeling lonely, and this number jumps even higher in older populations. So, it’s not just about meeting people; it’s about finding the right kind of connections that support us in meaningful ways.
The Challenges of Making Friends as You Age
As you get older, some of the natural avenues for meeting people start to dwindle. For example, school, work, and social clubs—once staples of adult life—become less frequent. You may move to a new city, face health challenges, or simply feel that the effort it takes to form deep connections becomes overwhelming.
Psychologists have observed a phenomenon known as “social shrinkage,” where older adults often form fewer new relationships, relying more on long-established ties. This isn’t necessarily bad, but it can lead to a feeling of stagnation or isolation. Moreover, there are cultural factors at play: in many Western societies, there’s a subtle expectation that friendships should form naturally and effortlessly, as if they spring up like wildflowers. The truth is, friendships take time, effort, and vulnerability, and that’s something many people, particularly later in life, might avoid.
In fact, a 2020 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 42% of people aged 60-75 feel that forming new friendships is harder as they get older. This isn’t just about aging bodies or busy schedules—it’s also about how we perceive our place in society and whether we feel “worthy” of connecting with others. Fear of rejection, old habits of self-isolation, and even negative past experiences can make reaching out seem like an insurmountable challenge.
The Science of Friendship: What Works?
Making friends isn’t about luck or waiting for things to happen. There’s a science behind it. Research from Harvard University shows that proximity, similarity, and reciprocal self-disclosure are key to forming and maintaining strong friendships. Let’s break these down:
- Proximity: You are more likely to become friends with people you see regularly. This is why work, school, or neighborhood settings are so ripe for friendship. You don’t need to be best friends with your next-door neighbor, but daily interactions (or regular, shared experiences) can lead to meaningful bonds.
- Similarity: People tend to connect with others who share common interests, values, or lifestyles. Whether it’s a love of reading, fitness, or a particular hobby, having shared passions makes building a relationship easier. The more common ground you share, the more likely you are to enjoy each other’s company and establish a meaningful connection.
- Reciprocal Self-Disclosure: Building trust is essential. People don’t become friends with you just because you’re friendly—they become friends with you when you allow them to see who you truly are. And when they do the same. Studies show that friendships deepen through mutual self-disclosure, which is the process of sharing personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Practical Steps for Making Friends
- Start with What You Love
Whether it’s gardening, painting, cooking, or cycling, the best way to meet people is to dive into activities that you enjoy. Join a class, a book club, or a local group. Being surrounded by like-minded people makes it easier to break the ice. Studies from Sociology Compass suggest that people in shared interest groups are far more likely to form lasting friendships. - Volunteer
Volunteering not only gives back to the community, but it also helps you meet people who are socially responsible and passionate about similar causes. It provides natural, easy ways to interact with others, and it’s a great avenue for older adults looking to expand their social networks. A 2019 study in The Journal of Social Issues found that volunteering can significantly reduce feelings of loneliness and increase social connectedness. - Use Social Media (Carefully)
The rise of social media and online platforms has made it possible to connect with people worldwide. Apps like Meetup, Bumble BFF, and even Facebook groups are excellent tools for finding people with similar interests or hobbies. The advantage of online communities is that they allow you to start conversations in a less intimidating environment. But—and this is key—try to move beyond the screen. Make plans to meet in person when possible. - Be Open, Vulnerable, and Patient
Making new friends takes time. Don’t expect instant closeness. Most relationships develop gradually, so be patient and give people space to get to know you. Start small by initiating simple conversations, and allow friendships to blossom naturally. Remember, friendships take work—don’t be discouraged if it feels slow at first. - Overcome the Fear of Rejection
A big obstacle to forming new friendships, especially later in life, is fear of rejection. But here’s the thing: rejection happens to everyone at some point, and it’s not a reflection of your worth. Sometimes it’s a matter of timing, interests, or circumstances. If a friendship doesn’t work out, don’t take it personally. Keep putting yourself out there.
Common Pitfalls to Avoid
- Overlooking Emotional Boundaries: Sometimes, we can fall into the trap of expecting too much from new friends too quickly. Respect people’s emotional space and don’t push for too much too soon.
- Settling for Superficial Friendships: Be mindful of forming friendships solely based on convenience or superficial factors. It’s better to have a few deep, meaningful relationships than many shallow ones.
- Being Too Rigid in Your Expectations: Don’t get discouraged if you don’t meet your “perfect match” right away. Friendships take time and effort to build. Stay flexible and open-minded.
Real Voices on Making Friends
- Lena, 52, Germany
“I thought it would be hard after moving to a new city, but I joined a knitting group, and that gave me a perfect excuse to start chatting. Slowly, we began to share personal stories, and now I have a circle of really supportive friends.” - Carlos, 61, Mexico
“It wasn’t until I started volunteering at the animal shelter that I realized how many good people are out there. It’s not just about companionship—it’s about finding a shared purpose.” - Ava, 47, USA
“I work from home, so making friends felt like a lost cause. But joining an online book club gave me that first step. Eventually, I met up with a few members in person, and now we’re close.” - Tariq, 67, Pakistan
“Friendship isn’t something I thought about much as an older adult, but after a health scare, I realized how important it is to have someone to talk to. I made a conscious effort to reconnect with old friends, and that’s made all the difference.” - Mai, 29, Japan
“I never thought I’d make close friends after university. But when I started a hobby group for pottery, I met people I could actually rely on. We all support each other in ways I never expected.”
Making friends is a skill you can learn at any stage of life. Yes, it requires time, patience, and vulnerability—but the rewards are worth it. Whether you’re building from the ground up or strengthening old bonds, the journey of friendship is one worth taking. So get out there, share a laugh, and embrace the beauty of human connection.
